


Hurt Smuggled in, Under the Ribs

by Plyobic



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:27:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22251094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plyobic/pseuds/Plyobic
Summary: Iron Bull knew a lot about his Inquisitor. About what she liked, and, he felt, what she needed. So when unintended shadows from the past felt the need to lurk between them, he was ready to act.She was safe here and it never went astray to reinforce it.- Past sexual assault in mentioned in vague detail, but detail enough that may be triggering to some readers. Reader discretion is, of course advised.- Good news is Bull is as good an egg as always, and very supportive through a whole ptsd event and all is well and cuddly in the end.
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Iron Bull, Iron Bull/Female Lavellan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 51





	Hurt Smuggled in, Under the Ribs

He was large. 

That had been part of the attraction. It was strange. It was hard to not be intrigued by it when all she had grown up around was willowy. Lithe. Just like the forests they called home. 

Yet there he was. All functional muscle. The man was a mountain and only grew larger with the addition of his horns. But he was.... gentle, she had found. And settled alongside that gentleness was a wickedly sharp mind. He had been right when he had said he was a spy - one of the first things, one of the most jarring things, and one of the most alluring. Spy work wasn't just small and hiding in the corners.  
Spy work was, if anything, getting the unfortunate, unwitting leader of the inquisition in bed. 

And, sure, she knew it was a bad idea on paper. Sure! Let’s just fuck the self-confessed Quinari spy! But in practice it really didn't feel like a bad idea. It felt like a lot of things. But not a bad idea.

At first, it felt thrilling - it still did, but especially at first - then it felt like a strangely comfortable hideaway.  
Then it felt like the sting of fangs, Quinari claws, and the pleasant burn of ropes, the want for more. 

Now, looking at him, looking up from under him, it felt like something old, like something she had thought she forgot but her body had somehow found the ability to remember. 

"What- what's wrong?" His voice was a sharp, deep din. If a voice could have been an earthquake his would have been the closest thing because it made her shake - oh. No, wait, she was actually just shaking. And then she was moving. Trying to scramble away. 

"Talk to me, c'mon-" he kept his voice low and sat her close, using those large hands in that torturously gentle way to brush hair out of her face. 

Words were beyond her for a moment and he seemed to sense that, so he didn't push. Just paused, looked at her and pulled a deep breath. His voice started again. It was soothing, quiet nothings. Saying she was doing a good job. Not just then, between them, between the sheets, but in general, and that if she didn't want to talk right now that would be okay - 

"I'm sorry-" she said eventually, in a gap between his words, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Bull -" 

He hushed her. Hand gentle in her hair. She very slowly crept into his hold, but didn't seem to lose tension about it. "Please don't be mad." She whispered. He wasn't sure he heard it at first and pulled back to regard her, like checking her face would show subtitles or something, give a readback of her words. 

"Oh, Kadan, I'm not mad." It was a far cry in terms of tone from the man she had swung a pole at post-fade journey, it was almost jarring. "You can work through it here, with me, it's okay." 

She nodded, then tensed. Of course, he knew she was working through some shit. The fact didn't hit her at first because how could it? Her brain was still stuck on some unconscious level - but it was baring, it was kind of cold, in a way. 

"Did you...know?" 

Bull shifted. It seemed like...not a nod, but a slightly affirmative shrug. "I had an idea." 

She nodded again. "...I'm sorry." 

Now he pulled back in full. "No." she flinched and looked away. He quickly adjusted his tone. "...No. You have nothing to apologise for. But... If you feel the need - "

"I do." she gasped. Her hand ran up her arm and squeezed. A half, self-hug, because even though actual touch had been there it felt too much now that it was gone. "I should have told you, but I didn't know- didn't think... I don't know why it's now. And now I'm putting this on you-" 

Bull watched with a wide eye as it tumbled out of her. "It's not fair of me." she gasped "I know it sounds stupid, I shouldn't be doing this to somebody else, let alone somebody I care about-"

"If not me, then who?" 

That had her pause. A rock in the river of well-run waters. "...Nobody. I shouldn't. It's bad enough on me, let alone anybody else." 

"...No." He said again, it was as gentle as his touch had been, but she still flinched, "...Who did this to you?" 

He watched her face go from open shock, to a pinched, deep pain. Her knees bunched up to her chest. She shrugged. "It's a lot of things. You know that." Hissrad pulled at the corners of her mouth. A name in some ways, a title in others, but not who he was. Not really. But still well earned. He had to concede to her words, though. It was never just one thing. 

"There was one man, who, I thought we were...." she shrugged again. The soft tone told him enough. "But when it came down to it he was...he kept saying things. I wasn't doing it right, why would you do that, why would you make that sound, god just-"  
Over the short course of her words a more pressed pace picked up. He couldn't quite tell if it was her tone, angry and enraged at what she had gone through, or a mockery of his tone. 

"...Hold still." Then it dropped. Bull felt rage. It was impotent. It did nothing for her now. He was aware it would likely scare her, if anything. But it was there under the skin and rolling under his ribs enough to bring motion to his lungs in the form of one long, slow, steadying breath.  
"I am...so sorry, Kadan." he whispered. There was the slow, gentle offer of his open hand beside her. Wary of offering touch. She shook her head and he couldn't tell if that was at his words or his offer. 

"I want to understand more," he said, after a while. Still in that low voice. "I want to ask; I want to know where it sits in you. Can I ask questions?" 

It took her a while to consider the words. And that was fine. It was more than fine. Take your time he thought, watching her turn the words and the potential outcomes over in her head, it is better to consider it thoroughly, I don't want it to affect you negatively - anymore than it has. 

Eventually she gave a gentle nod. "Thank you. If it ever gets too much, or you don't want to talk, just say katoh." safe words, after all, extend beyond the physical aspect of their relationship, especially when it's useful for them to. But she sat tense. 

"No- No, I don't want to stop this, I still want to be with you, Bull." There was an unspoken please in there, articulated only by the slight way her tone cracked. 

Bull held his hands up. "Kadan, no, that's not what I meant - is that...is that what you think the word is for?" A strange horror hit him. A dawning realisation of the full extent of what she had gone through, at how it affected her understanding, and at how bad she may have wanted him there if she had never used the word, even if she felt she needed to. Then, the guilt. That it had somehow slipped by him. 

"I mean... No. I know that's not what it's for I just-" that was a slight comfort for him, but not much more than that, "There was some part of my head, I guess, that thought if I did... You'd be mad. I know you wouldn't - you're... Good, Bull. But-" 

"Sometimes, the feeling is stronger." he pulled a breath and exhaled it slowly. His Kadan nodded. 

When he stood up, he gave the quiet words of assurance that said he wasn't going anywhere, he was just going to the door, just going to make sure that the word outside of here would stay outside of here.  
True to form, there was the quiet sounds of him getting up, the door opening, closing, locking. Then he was back. His weight dipped the bed and she had to contend with a sick, conflicting feeling in her stomach. The want to be close, but the fear of it that came with remembering. It put what came before, with him, in a different context, and she felt guilty. 

"I don't know why I remembered now." she said quietly. Knees up to her chest, the words let out into them. 

Bull thought back to their last little tryst. The shit stirring in the leadup. A hand reached to rub at his temples. "I'm going to ask you some questions." he said, and waited for some kind of affirmative response. It took a moment, but he saw his Inquisitor nod. "If you don't want to answer just say, and I'll asks something else. If you want it to stop, just say. All that will stop is the questions. I'm not going anywhere." 

She nodded. 

"Kadan, I need to hear it." 

"I understand." There was a hollowness to her eyes. She felt it settle in her bones. Welcomed it like an old friend. It gave her clarity of mind. It shifted the weight from her. 

"Your word?" He wanted to reach for her and smother her in a hug. Some part of him was sure he needed it, but he was just as torn as to whether it would be the right thing. 

She dragged a breath in, "Katoh." 

Bull nodded. He took some time to measure his thoughts and get his own head into the right space. This wasn't an interrogation, but the fact of the matter was he needed information, and she needed to vent this somehow. There was no way to do this painlessly. They both knew that. 

"Do you know what set it off?"  
Bull had an idea, but he wanted to see where her head was at. 

She took her time which was to be expected, as was the slight and tired determination on her face as she picked apart their time in the lead up. "Well, it wasn't the biting..." Bull had to laugh a little at that, and it seemed to bring some ease to her if the seedlings of a smirk were anything to go by, "It might've -" Though the words were quiet Bull still caught them and especially caught how she held the rest back. 

"Might've what?"  
She frowned. 

"It - I don't want to upset you, I know you didn't mean it."  
The consideration from her wasn't strange to him, he had seen it in action before, when other people would have been burned out, she couldn't help but put somebody else first. The barbed-wire tangles in her chest would still sit secondary to a discomfort he didn't even have yet, or might not ever have. As admirable as it could be, he was beginning to have an understanding of what caused it beyond the want to be a good person. 

"It'll take a bit more that whatever you're thinking to hurt me." he tried, "Shit, I mean, you're a tough one, boss, but I like to think I can handle what you throw at me."  
Normally something like that would have made her laugh. She knew that much; he knew that much. 

While she digested that, Bull went through his list of what else he could ask her, in case she didn't, or couldn't, answer. "The shit talking." she said. And ah yes, he thought as much, especially after what she had described before. "I know you didn't mean it like - like that -"

"Say no more. It's off the table." 

She looked startled. A little guilty. "No, wait, I mean, I liked it, it wasn't bad."

"It's not a matter of that. Right now, it's not good for you." and, maybe, it wouldn't be good for her again. That was fine. Somebody healthy was better than somebody into one specific kind of dirty talk, "Out of the two of us, I think it hurts you a little more to keep doing than it does for me to not." It didn't look like she wanted to concede to that point, but it was a strong one, "It doesn't have to be off the table forever, I don't want you to think that. If you ever feel up for it, we can talk about it then." 

She gave a slight nod.  
It was hard to manage. The feeling was under her skin and in her chest, that she had let him down. That she hadn't been what he needed and that she had called it for a silly reason. "I'm sorry, Bull. I'll make it up to you." That felt adequate, she figured. If it was an offer it was good. She wanted to do it. Or, wanted to give back to him.  
"Woah- woah no, no that's not what this is about, boss." 

She looked conflicted. It was inward at first, then she turned to him and it became outward. "I know, but... I feel like I've got to make it up to you." 

Next question, then. "Why?" he kept his surprise, because he really was. But if it helped the words flow, then he'd do it. She seemed to find it easier to speak when he seemed on the back foot at the moment. 

"Well, I - it's what's - it's only fair." 

"Why is it only fair?" He had an inkling. He knew, really. She knew he did, but he wanted to hear her reasoning, he needed to hear her verbalise it. 

She looked down and away from him. Shame. Guilt pulled her shoulders down but shame took her eyes from him. It took a liar to see a - well, she wasn't lying. She was withholding. A form of a lie, sometimes. But in this, it was self-defence. He was at least trying to make his prodding stern, but overall gentle. For her sake he didn't want this to leave this unfinished. 

Her face screwed up. The words were right there. Hell, bull was sure he could almost see them behind the barrier of her lips. "I- well...I ruined it." Bull wasn't sure, before, if somebody could blurt words out, yet whisper them. His Kadan surprised him as always, "I ruined the... Moment. Your...fun." 

Mentally, logically, she knew that wasn't the case. She knew he didn't just say the comforting things he did for the sheer fun of it. He may have been Hissrad, but he wasn't cruel. There were a lot of ways to lie. There wasn't a lie in the kind way his thumb brushed over her cheekbone. She dearly hoped there wasn't. The fear that corroded her chest with every breath said there was. She fought back against the idea in the way she leaned into his touch. 

"You didn't." he said. It took her a moment to move again. When she did it was with a hesitant hand on his thigh. A lean in for more touch. More contact. That was fine, so long as she was comfortable, he decided. If she initiated, she could withdraw it when she chose. She could act on her comfort as it reared its head or subsided. It was safer. "I don't have fun when you're uncomfortable. Well - this kind of uncomfortable." It was a fleeting attempt at humour. A little shot in the dark to soften her and hopefully bring a semblance of that little smile he loved back. 

Thankfully, it worked. It was a little huff. But it was there. It was something she could hold to, wherever in her mind she was. "It feels like I did." 

"I know. I can't fix it." he said sombrely. Ultimately, it was out of his hands. It was her path to walk. He couldn't take the steps for her but - "But I'm still here for you. While you work it out. There's no rush. No time. This isn't a report to Cullen or Lelliana or Josephine. I don't need it on my desk by sundown."

"It's already past sundown, anyway." She interjected quietly. That hint of a smile was there again. Bull smiled back.  
He brought his other hand to her face. Between the both of them, he was reminded all over again just how small she was, she could be, when she wasn't the Herald of Andraste. 

"It is. And I'm still here."  
Her other hand remained on his leg. Holding her up and closer to him. But her other hand went to cover his and hold him there. Assure his contact. It didn't burn, it didn't hurt. It was just Bull. Steady as always and right there. She nodded into the touch; his hold moved with her. 

Bull took a long moment to study her face. Really, he could sit there for a much longer time than they both probably should with their duties, but damn if he wouldn't do it anyway, work be damned. She should be admired. He knew of her tendency towards self-sacrifice, towards perceived obligation. It was, in a way, altruism to a self-destructive point. Did she know anything else? He liked to think she did, but this seemed so ingrained and without proper relief that it was little doubt it reared its ugly head regardless. Like now.  
"Thank you." He said, eventually, still staring at her. Taking her in, in all her vulnerability and that cautious little smile, in the way she looked confused at his words. 

"For trusting me with this. I know it must be hard for you, and it means a lot that you feel safe enough to speak about this with me. I promise, you are safe here. Good and bad." In a very tentative motion, Bull moved himself closer. Slow enough that she could see him do it, and loosened his hold on her face just in case she wanted to move. All the while he watched as close as he had been. Checking for freezing or fear. There wasn't any so rested his forehead against her. Noses pressed together. He breathed in, then out. Closed his eye. Breathed in, and out, then felt her do the same. In, and out, and she began to fall into synch. 

His eye was closed, but she kept hers open. Running every hill and valley on his face. His scars and unconsciously thinking of the stories behind him. What was more conscious was the way she took her hands to frame his face just like he had done for her. Where his hands were gentle hers were insistent. Stay. Even if she couldn't find the words, he seemed to understand the want behind the touch. He pressed a little closer to her. "Thank you, Bull." She muttered. It didn't have to be loud when it was kept in the space between them. She found herself preferring it that way. 

The shaking and jittering from earlier had subsided. Something she only realised when she could pull her thoughts from that warped, sickened, concern for others at the expense of herself. In all her sudden fear at some kind of retribution, or scolding from Bull, she hadn't noticed exactly what kind of state she had been in. The words I'm sorry were bubbling up if for no other reason than habit. So, instead, she snuffed them out with a quiet, sincere, "Thank you." Bull nodded against her. 

He could see - well, feel or have a sense for what she was trying to do. How she was trying to work with it. He gave her the space and time to do it. It was nice to know she appreciated it. "You're doing well, Kadan." He hummed, thumbs stroking over her cheek like they had before, like the touch would make the words hopefully sink in a little further, salve the old wounds on the inside, "I'm proud of you, you know." 

It was slight. Barely there. She made a sound. It wasn't much of anything, he couldn't place it. For a moment he was worried. Enough that it made him open his eye. Where he expected fear, he got nerves and a fretting bite of her lip.  
"I mean it." he reiterated. 

She pressed closer to him. Shifted their heads apart and tucked herself under his chin.  
At first, he was alarmed. His arms wrapped around her without thought, half expecting to feel the beginning shudders of tears but all he got was her arms doing their level best to wrap around him and squeeze. "You've been very brave." he muttered into the top of her head.  
He wondered if she made that sound again. He couldn't feel it, which was fair, given it was barely there to begin with. Her hold squeezed again. 

Eventually, she nodded into his chest. Bull took it to means some kind of 'thank you' that she couldn't verbalise due to her position.  
"We should sleep." he said a good few moments before he began moving and shifting them into bed and under the covers, just as a warning, to pre-empt any potential for startling her. "Nobody will get you here," came his soothing statement when he felt her begin to tense. It wasn't aimed at anything in particular, "They'll have to go through all of Skyhold, the chargers, your inquisition, that door, and then me." But it was an attempt to re-assert the extent of her safety. Maybe not in the face of an archdragon, but definitely in the face of any of those shadows from her past that saw fit to lurk. 

When she was arranged neatly on his chest, his arms blanketed her well before any of those fancy Orlaisian, thousand thread count things ever did. No doubt picked by the lovely Madam de Fer, but he thought some more homely comforts may be in order. Hala maybe. Or he might go speak to Solas. He was very vocal about all the elfy things. He didn't even need to angle for it, it would be given for free and with interest, no doubt.

She shifted to meet as much of his skin as she could manage, seeming to prefer that to the blankets. After a little while, and one quick movement that rearranged her leg to be cast over his waist, she reached to shift one of his hands and move it so it was covering her more. "You good there, Kadan?" He chuckled. He couldn't help himself. It shuddered his chest and shifted her. 

"Yeah," she mumbled. The movement from him was enough to prompt her to look up at him. Not quite as weary before. Still tired, but not in the same way. Ready to rest, not ready to run or fight, "Thanks, Bull." Just ready to settle. Safe in the knowledge that he was there.

**Author's Note:**

> After writing this, I realised this could be fifty thousand times more painful in the event of some of what happens in the DLC. 
> 
> Otherwise though this is just some catharsis for me, I love, love, love Bull especially in his approach to safety regarding sex and discussions around it, even if it's not gone into depth. I can will and must take the idea of his healthy communicative capabilities and I damn well will sprint with it.


End file.
